The stone fish was staring out of his aquarium like a delirious sea creature high on helium when he spotted two travel bloggers—one a Chinese-looking dude and the other a semi-Chinese-looking dude with a flair of Spanish blood—walking inside the Old Village Seafood Restaurant in Kota Kinabalu. It was a strange window into the local dining scene, where the evening catch seemed to have developed a whimsical, satirical perspective on their own culinary fates.
Talking Sea Creatures in Kota Kinabalu | Malaysia
Stone Fish: Well, what do we have here? I hope they will be the ones to free me from my misery in this small, enclosed space I am in right now. But hmm, they do not seem interested in shelling out 10.00 MYR for a hundred grams of myself. They are just taking pictures.
Zebra Shell: Roger Clemens on that, Stone. Those dudes don't look like the seafood kind of guys. They just order those Tiger Beers, so it looks like you are going to be there for quite some time. Me? I got ordered by that cute family sitting over there. I saw them point me out to the waiter.
The Aquarium Comedians of Kampung Air
Deep Sea Crab: Hold your seahorses, my friends. They pointed out to us; it seems like these people are not adventurous enough to try silly Stone Fish and Zebra Shells. Oh man, I miss my homies back in the Sabah sea. I was just looking for my pendant in the sand when a bunch of those human beings caught me.
Mantis Shrimp #1: I have been in this freaking water bottle for over a year now; the damn servers do not follow the 'first in, first out' rule. Someone comes in, someone orders a few of us, and that someone then gets plucked out ahead of me. What the fuck? I was here a longer time than #7 over there in a bowl on table eight, and I am still here.
Mantis Shrimp #12: Number 1, that means you still have a chance to escape. Being alive means life and hope go on.
Mantis Shrimp #1: Escape where? Crawl out of here, then out onto the pavement, cross the road, and into the sea? Sounds easy, but they drive on the right-hand side here. I might look the opposite way and get crushed by a Proton car.
Debates From Inside the Water Bottle
Squid: Don't rush it, fellas. Soon enough, someone will take us out of this misery. It is either death or the ocean. I, myself, am chilling here with the ice. Freezing cold, like it's Antarctica.
Deep Sea Crab: And you are?
Squid: Just call me a squid. Squid Mo' Webb. I used to play football in the Sulu Sea Invitational Cup.
Deep Sea Crab: Nice to have you here, young fella.
Stone Fish: Anyway, you know what place this is? It looks kindly lively at night.
Lobster: We are at what they call the "Old Village Seafood Restaurant" at the Sedco Complex in Kampung Air, Kota Kinabalu.
Simply Fish: Uhm, OKAY!
A Hardcore Way to Go
Mantis Shrimp #69: I vetoed that 'first in, first out' rule. I'm effing #69; I'll die from a lack of oxygen before I get picked out of this aquarium. At least I want to die with guns a-blazing in a cooking pot. Yep, the hardcore way to go.
*Out in the background, someone shouted a joke: "What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers?"*
Tilapia: A stone fish?
Stone Fish: WTF? Hey, excuse me, Mister Tilapia, look who is talking right here. You think you're special? Go check out each supermarket's seafood section to see if you can find another stone fish. I'm a rare dude. People come here to eat rare sea creatures; I mean, only a fool would come here and order a plateful of Tilapia.
Lobster: Enough, you guys. So who asked that question? What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
King Lobster: I know the answer to that; I lived a good three years in one. It's a "Nervous Wreck." That's right, I went and eloped with the missus right after my studies, and we lived in a Spanish-era galleon ship off the coast of the Celebes Sea. A magical wreck, a paradise underneath the sea. Those were the best years of my life. I remember we were supposed to hitch a ride on a whale so we could go spend our holidays in Portugal.
Tiger Prawn: Okay, King Lobster, aside from your 'missus,' what is the wettest animal in the world?
King Lobster: Of course, every sea creature, duh! We live in the freaking sea. Okay, since it is a joke, then go ahead and make me laugh my ass off.
Tiger Prawn: It's a 'reindeer.'
Zebra Shell: Ahem, somebody hold my shell; I might kill someone. Do not ever repeat that joke again, Tiger, unless you can go out of your cell and get us some Tiger Beers; then you're forgiven for reciting a corny joke.
Deep Sea Crab: Huh, someone is taking pictures of me. Those two guys with the big cameras, kind of unlike the ones used by those National Geographic guys I saw years ago. Come on, guys, say 'Claw' and put a smile on that camera.
Mantis Shrimp #4: This is actually cool. I wish we wore this kind of thing in the ocean before. I'd probably have fewer concussions if I had one of these.
Mantis Shrimp #8: I wish someone would order me and have me cooked with lemon juice and pineapple.
King Lobster: Me, all I want is to be with my pretty missus, but that would be next to impossible right now. I have accepted my fate and will go out with a bang. Fry me in a frying pan, you lobster suckers out there. Hell yeah.
Tilapia: Adios, amigos creatures! I overheard those two dudes with a camera ordering fried tilapia. Guess what? I'm the only one here.
Stone Fish: What the?
